Downs and downs

I only write when I am sad. I find that statement both intriguing and disheartening. I look back at the pages in my journals and they are full of pain, hurt, anger and fear. I think about when my Dad was losing his battle with Parkinson's. I found it both effortless and comforting to write on his caringbridge page. I felt honored to be able to write his eulogy,  which besides very minor tweaks, was written in a short time in one sitting. I find it so easy for the words to come when I am experiencing pain and inner turmoil. I have never struggled with finding the right words or subject matter when I write about what I know. Does that mean that I understand pain and sadness better than I do happiness? I have often wondered that. I feel emotions strongly and deeply. I am sure that there is a clinical diagnosis that I have yet to receive that may shed some light on what I experience. All I know is that I am who I am...and it has taken me a long time to see and accept that. I have often been told that I am "too nice". When facing rejection and harshness, I take it to heart. When people have been mean to me I have always felt the deep pain that they have intended and it lingered. I could never quite figure out why anyone could or would even want to choose to be that way. It doesn't make sense to me. I have seen a lot of selfishness and ugliness in others lately. Perhaps the meanness wasn't always intended, and that is my hope, but it was there in a way that I was yet again surprised by. I have never been able to get used to the harshness I have experienced. I don't see kindness as a weakness or being nieve. I don't think that being selfish is also necessarily a bad thing. There are in fact many times when it can be an admirable attribute however more times than not is not something to be proud of. Where am I going with all of this? I am not 100% sure...just trying to clear my head and make sense of all of my thoughts. The best way to do that is for me to write them out and maybe just maybe I will write when I have more to be thankful and happy for instead of when I am struggling to catch my breath. 

The first step is usually the hardest....

I have been thinking about starting a blog or even a journal for quite a while now. I just haven't been able to get over my writers block. So much has changed in my life over the last couple of years, and my life has been full of so many different experiences, both good and bad. 

As I near 30, I cringe and rejoice. I dread nearing 30 because I remember when 30 seemed so old. I am looking forward to getting out of my 20's though. Although the last few years of my 20's were wonderful and the best part of my life, the early and mid years were ones that I often wish I could re-do. I anticipate great things for my 30's and look forward to all the experiences and adventures.

I should start off with a little bit about myself. I am the youngest of 3 girls. I have often joked that I was the "surprise" of the family, as my sisters are about 7 and 9 years older than me. Being the youngest with that much of a gap between siblings can be both  good and bad, depending on the situation. I spent most of my time living like an only child. My sisters both moved out for college when I was young. When I was really young I tried to tag along with them as much as I could, but often times I was left behind, or at least that's how I felt. But who can really blame them, who wants their little sister in their business? They took care of me well and always looked out for me, when I let them. 

I have a lot of good memories from my childhood and my teenage years. I spent a lot of time every summer at Deeper Life Bible Camp in Northern Minnesota. I made some great friends there and have a lot of really wonderful memories. I felt as though every summer I would go there and get grounded and just really live life happy and be myself. That is one of the few places where I have been able to fully relax and just be myself. Although my time spent there is a small chapter of my life, it's sad to think that that chapter has closed. I am no longer the little girl or even teenager that ran around carefree. 

Starting in 7th grade I dealt with a lot of loss in my life. Every year I had multiple deaths that I had to come to terms with. I had great support from my family, but I do feel that I wasn't equipped to handle all of that and wasn't sure exactly how to channel my grief.  I think that at one time I had counted that I had 12 people that were close to me die in a matter of 4 or 5 years. It was really hard. I had lived most of my life having gone to more funerals than weddings, which was depressing for me. Perhaps that's one of the reasons I'm such a sucker for weddings!

When I went off to college I had a rather upsetting experience involving a stalker, which compiling on top of my weak mentality due to both living in a small sheltered area and being weak due to grief, just kind of tipped me over the edge. I dealt with some serious depression issues, and to sum up a rather dark and horrific time period of my life, I ended up withdrawing from school and starting over through counseling and some basic "time off" to get my life back together. That is by far one of the darkest and scariest time periods of my life and I am glad to have been able to survive it. 

Once I was able to recover as best as I could, I kind of went crazy celebrating my 20's...which lasted for oh about 7 years. Much of that I'm sad to say is a blur. I surrounded myself with some good and bad influences, mostly bad. I found myself yet again in trouble, but managed to get past that, although I still kick myself daily for my mistakes. I have found that it's easier to forgive others but almost impossible for me to forgive myself.

Once I was getting my life back on track, again, I met the most amazing person that I have ever met. Marty. I wish that I could say it was love at first sight, but neither of us were interested in anything more than friendship. I felt like that's all I could offer and he had other things (a certain girl) that he had focused on pursuing. We were both glad to have a friend to count on and since he was starting over in a way, having just moved back to the state. We were able to start over together. I guess God had other plans for us. We have been inseparable since we became friends. I have never had anyone that understood me like he does. He is my whole world. We got engaged after 21 months of dating and 3 months later we were married!!! 

Now on to marriage....I have honestly never learned so much in such a short amount of time. Some days I think it was easier being single and just doing whatever I wanted when I wanted, but I always ended each of those single days feeling like something was missing. Marriage is wonderful, even on the days when I wonder who is crazier, him or me! We manage to learn together and that only makes us stronger. I wouldn't trade my life now for anything. I have a great husband, a great family, great in-laws, and great friends to surround myself with. 

I can't promise that anything I have to say will be interesting or relevant to anything at all,  it's just my ramblings....