Downs and downs

I only write when I am sad. I find that statement both intriguing and disheartening. I look back at the pages in my journals and they are full of pain, hurt, anger and fear. I think about when my Dad was losing his battle with Parkinson's. I found it both effortless and comforting to write on his caringbridge page. I felt honored to be able to write his eulogy,  which besides very minor tweaks, was written in a short time in one sitting. I find it so easy for the words to come when I am experiencing pain and inner turmoil. I have never struggled with finding the right words or subject matter when I write about what I know. Does that mean that I understand pain and sadness better than I do happiness? I have often wondered that. I feel emotions strongly and deeply. I am sure that there is a clinical diagnosis that I have yet to receive that may shed some light on what I experience. All I know is that I am who I am...and it has taken me a long time to see and accept that. I have often been told that I am "too nice". When facing rejection and harshness, I take it to heart. When people have been mean to me I have always felt the deep pain that they have intended and it lingered. I could never quite figure out why anyone could or would even want to choose to be that way. It doesn't make sense to me. I have seen a lot of selfishness and ugliness in others lately. Perhaps the meanness wasn't always intended, and that is my hope, but it was there in a way that I was yet again surprised by. I have never been able to get used to the harshness I have experienced. I don't see kindness as a weakness or being nieve. I don't think that being selfish is also necessarily a bad thing. There are in fact many times when it can be an admirable attribute however more times than not is not something to be proud of. Where am I going with all of this? I am not 100% sure...just trying to clear my head and make sense of all of my thoughts. The best way to do that is for me to write them out and maybe just maybe I will write when I have more to be thankful and happy for instead of when I am struggling to catch my breath.